“To be honest, I hate myself. I can't imagine anyone would ever love me…”
The words that flowed naturally from Cinnabar’s mouth were painful to hear, and even more painful to be spoken. The words could only escape them in small squeaks and whimpers, barely audible for anyone but Cinnabar to hear. Gripping the sides of their upper arms with clenched hands, Cinnabar was unable to keep a few tears from trickling down their cheeks. To think they had allowed themself to become this vulnerable—god they were so stupid. Yet still, they felt some kind of strange relief accompanying the anxiety they felt.
Phos wasn’t sure what to say to Cinnabar—hell, what could they say to that? Phos wasn’t much inclined on how to properly deal with situations like these. They were always so happy-go-lucky and energetic despite the ridicule they faced, and never really spent much time alone thanks to all their siblings at home. All they knew is that it hurt to hear Cinnabar say it, and Phos just wished they had heard them wrong—that this was some kind of joke and Cinnabar would laugh as some kind of punchline to end it. But they didn’t, and Phos knew they wouldn’t; they knew this wasn’t some kind of prank, but they had no idea how to deal with it. Maybe they should just be honest? But what if that hurt Cinnabar even more? If you keep quiet for much longer Cinnabar is going to think you hate them Phos, say something you idiot!
“But… I love you, Cinnabar.”
Cinnabar looked at Phos with their eyebrows raised, and scoffed. “You don’t have to lie.”
“I-It’s not a lie! I really do love you!” Phos pleaded. They desperately wished for Cinnabar to listen to them, but Cinnabar refused to acknowledge their words. After all, who could possibly love someone like them ?
“How can you love someone who doesn’t even love themself!?” Cinnabar asked angrily, their voice starting to shake. “It’s impossible!”
“It’s not impossible! Please, just listen to me!” Phos angrily retorted back, becoming more and more annoyed with how Cinnabar was so easily disregarding their feelings. Fuck off, I love you , listen to me!
Cinnabar sighed, becoming similarly annoyed at Phos for refusing to listen to them . “I’m not asking for pity, Phos. I was just… trying to be honest. You don’t have to do this.”
Phos sighed heavily, groaning. “I’m not saying these things because they’re nice or pretty or whatever! I don’t care about that! I care about you! I love you! So please don’t dismiss that! Don’t throw away my feelings so callously…” Trailing off, Phos’s voice softened to a hushed whisper as they attempted to maintain their composure.
Cinnabar’s heartbeat stopped momentarily as they listened to Phos. They had never known Phos to be overly emotional, nor to show a lot of signs of distress. As if to finally acknowledge the effort Phos had been putting into their words, Cinnabar studied the frustrated look on Phos’s face. Their cheeks were red—probably from exerting so much power behind their voice—their forehead had begun to sweat as well, and they were breathing heavily.
Maybe Phos wasn’t lying after all. But then, what good did saying all this do? It doesn’t change the fact that I fucking hate myself, you idiot.
“Even if what you’re saying is true…” Cinnabar trailed off, their composure wearing thin as they looked at Phos with glaring annoyance. “It doesn’t change the fact that I hate myself! How can you possibly love someone like that!? Even I don’t see what’s good about me, so how can you!?”
Oh my god Cinnabar, calm down. You’re being ridiculous, pull yourself together and stop showing Phos how weak you are.
Phos didn’t have much of a reaction to Cinnabar’s reply, if any. All they were able to do was listen while their body and mind both froze trying to process what was happening. This was the first time Phos had really come to terms with the idea that maybe loving someone isn’t always enough to help them.
“I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to get this upset. It’s just—“
“You’re… hurting, aren’t you, Cinnabar?” Phos interrupted, their eyes focusing intently on Cinnabar. They had a slight shine to them—not in a dazzling kind of way or anything—but a shine that made it seem like they could cry at any moment.
“Wh-What are you implying, you weirdo?”
Phos inched closer to Cinnabar until they were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder to them on the couch they were situated on. Cinnabar was unsure of what Phos was planning, but didn’t really care at the moment.
“I want to help.” Phos started, softly grabbing hold of Cinnabar’s hand in between both of their palms. Don’t fuck this up Phos, be cool. “If you don’t love yourself, then let me teach you why I do.”
Cinnabar blushed upon feeling the warm sensation of Phos’s hands sandwiched between their one. They weren’t entirely sure how to react, and as such kept quiet for some time until they could figure out what to say. How am I supposed to answer this!? I’m just depressed, I don’t need—
“That… might be nice, I guess.” You fucking fool. You idiot. You goddamn moron.
Phos’s face lit up at Cinnabar’s reply, causing them to squeeze Cinnabar’s hand a little tighter. “I can’t wait to show you all the things that are great about you, Cinnabar!” They exclaimed excitedly, rocking back and forth in their seat, while making sure to keep a hold of Cinnabar’s hand.
Cinnabar’s face turned a bright pink, which caused them to make a disgusted look. “You’re so weird, stop that.”
Phos could only laugh at Cinnabar’s response, finding it a very typical reaction. They let go of Cinnabar’s hand so that they could discreetly sneak closer to their face and plant a small kiss on their cheek. “I know I probably can’t fix if, but.” They started. “I’ll do my best to help you so that you can love you too!”
Phos’s enthusiasm was always kind of annoying, but just this one time maybe it was… kind of endearing. Just kind of.
The kiss caught Cinnabar off guard a little bit, but that—coupled with Phos’s words of encouragement—was enough to make even Cinnabar smile. It was only a small turn of the lips, but it was enough to make them feel… lighter.
“Thanks.”
“Ohhhh, gratitude from Cinnabar? I never knew you had it in you!” Phos teased, poking Cinnabar in the cheek with their index finger.
Cinnabar winced at the touch, aggressively pushing Phos away from them and towards the opposite end of the couch. “Congratulations, you ruined it dumbass.”
Phos chuckled at the other end of the couch, pulling themself up and back onto the couch near Cinnabar. They attempted to lay their head in their lap but Cinnabar wouldn’t allow it, pushing Phos’s head off of their lap after every attempt. “So mean Cinnabar!” Phos whined, quickly turning their frown into a devious smile. “It was worth it, though! I saw another smiiii~iiiiile!”
“You’re dead.”